The Origin of Upton Arms

Years ago, as a feature writer for The Arizona Republic, I visited an active lifestyle home

to interview a resident whose 100th birthday was the next day. Stan shared the secrets to a long

life, which weren’t very secret at all, stuff about healthy eating and exercise. After I watched him

put ten minutes on a rowing machine, he looked at me and said, “This is bullshit. Want to see

something cool?”

He dug into a drawer and pulled out a water-stained three-ring binder. The white cover

featured barely legible text.

“Your Essential Guide to Upton Arms,” I read out loud. Inside were just two sheets of

paper turned yellow over time. They crinkled under my touch. When I finished reding, I had only

one question. “This can’t be real, can it?”

Stan shrugged his shoulders. “Some people believe it. Even spent some time looking for a

mysterious locked door that might be hiding this Upton Arms place. Unless this place used to be

Upton Arms. Honestly, the possibilities are more fun than the truth.”

Stan would die a few months later, and the place was demolished a decade later.

Thankfully, I took a photo of the pages, and offer them here as they were the genesis for my

novel. Any conclusions are your own.

Welcome to Upton Arms

You are the one thing you thought you’d never be: old. Have no fear because here at

Upton Arms, your diminishing powers are not a concern. We are far more interested in your

ability to follow rules that make our home a safe and welcoming place for everyone from A

(apex predators) to Z (zombies). As far as we are concerned, you are all equally aimless and in

need of a safe place.

That safe place is here at Upton Arms, as long as you follow a few rules that serve to

protect the newly vulnerable, as well as those who reject the mere notion of vulnerability. As for

the latter, don’t worry. You’ll come around.

Everyone is welcome in the Common Room, where everyone is asked to check their

vastly diminished powers at the door. This applies to everyone, especially those capable of

transformation. We here at Upton Arms frown upon shapeshifting pranks that include, but are not

limited to, invisibility, lupine cage matches, and anything that involves flight and the drippings

they may incur. In fact, we ask all those who are incontinent to refrain from visiting the common

room without absorbent attire.

Enjoy all the amenities the common room provides, including table tennis and the rest.

(No table tennis after 8 p.m., or during any episode of, “That Shouldn’t be There: MRI

Mysteries.”

Our fully equipped kitchen is open to all tenants who agree to our “Declarations and

Intents on cooking and food storage” (attached). Please pay particular attention to Non-Standard

Deviations (starting on page thirty-three, paragraphs two through eighteen). Anyone who

microwaves food exceeding one thousand aromatic parts per million (including but not limited to

salmon, cauliflower and related vegetables, or sauerkraut) will forfeit kitchen rights for no less

than four weeks. In addition, any food left in the refrigerator past midnight will be confiscated to

reduce gremlin infestations. Note: Always attend the toaster when in use. Any toast, Pop-Tarts,

or similar foodstuffs are considered fair game when ejected and may be pilfered by free-range

fairies.

Also, be assured that your privacy is among our greatest concerns. We will never sell

your information to the lowest bidder. And should any villagers come to our door armed with

pitchforks and torches, we will direct them to the Happy Burger down the street, since such mobs

are often easily distracted.

Knowing you don’t have any alternatives when choosing a retirement home for

supernaturals, we appreciate your decision to choose Upton Arms, as you have nowhere else to

go.